I have known this for years about myself: I fall in love with people almost every day. Not in the romantic, sexual, I-want-to-be-your-one-and-only type of way, but in the I-want-us-to-be-nonsexual-life-partners direction. I crush on people, regardless of gender, age, physical location, and regardless of whether or not I feel a physical attraction. I fall for people, hard. And though of course it is sometimes in a very romantic and/or sexually motivated way, more often than not I just desire them as spirits in my life.
Now, when I was visiting home last August, a thought popped into my head: perhaps it is possible for our souls to love each other, even when our selves do not. I posted this thought on Facebook, and received a ton of responses (personal responses, not publicly posted on my status. This seems to be the trend to all of my posts. Maybe because the topics are so personal...people call me or gchat me directly to discuss the content and their musings and postulations). So many people felt me on the notion that our souls can be in love with each other, but some part of our selves, whether it be our mannerisms, our habits, our emotional/expressive tendencies, just DO NOT CLICK. Many of us know this feeling far too well. Remember that person you just could not break up with? That person whose soul made you feel so loved, so understood, so right? That person who kept you involved and intrigued, even when your emotions were strung out so thin you thought your spirit might snap? Yeah, me too.
Lately I've been thinking about souls vs. selves in a slightly different light. In a span of 48 hours, without any prompting on my part, 3 different friends at 3 different times shared with me the thought that our soulmates, the people we are in many ways in love with, are not necessarily the same people we go on dates with or go to bed with. The third person to bring this idea to the table noticed me smiling and asked why. I told her that she was the third one to say it, to which she laughed. "You WOULD have this conversation three times in two days." Yes, I would.
When I make a new friend, I often feel like I'm falling for them. There's a whole courtship that ensues. And because I feel no pressure to "play the game" or to "play my cards right" and keep them guessing and interested, I do not hold back. Why should I? I don't care if they think I am too bold or too forward. I am a lot more affection than some people can handle, but if we are going to fall into friendship/love (or a word that does not yet exist to describe the sensation and dynamic), I am going to bare my soul and you will either take it or leave it. I have been blessed to find that most people take it.
But the other night a close girlfriend called me out. I was gushing to her about new people I met and how I was falling for them, essentially. She listened, nodding. "Okay, but are any of them going anywhere romantic? You have no trouble making friends. We all know that. You have too many, if anything. Now lovers...that's another story." Touché, boo. I have too many complicated relationships for precisely this reason. I am so enraptured with people, so infatuated, so in love with people's essences and beings, that there are often no clear boundaries. And I have no trouble initiating romances, but sustaining them is another matter. My heart is in love with so many people at once that settling down and focusing my love and energy on one soul has proven quite difficult. This is not to say that I am polyamorous, because I have crazy insane jealousy issues when things start to get a lil more serious (those are for another post!). It does mean, however, that it is hard for me to stay focused on one person. I just overflow with love that either overwhelms one person or I start to feel like I need to be emotionally stimulated by more than one person. And the thing is, it really doesn't bother me. I am so emotionally fulfilled by my relationships. I start to wonder, though, if we are all on the same page. I spill so much of my heart into those close to me that I often miss cues that indicate a desire on their part for something more. And how are they supposed to know when I want something more? Cuddling and constantly complimenting and professing love on the regular are integral parts of what I call friendship. Most recently, a close friend who wanted more and I had to have a talk about curbing back our verbal and physical affection until we decide what exactly it is we both want and where we are going.
Maybe this means that I have yet to find someone with whom I am in love on both the soul and the self level. Or maybe it means that my definition of love is more fluid than most. Maybe it just means that I have yet to find one of my soulmates in the romantic sense. Or maybe it means that I have found too many and my heart is in overdrive. I have no answers right now. I just know that I am perpetually in love.
