I was dozing off on the 4 train, one stop from my destination, when a fist pounded three times on my right knee. I looked up and the man sitting next ot me was chuckling, and he repeated the motion, first on my knee, then on his.
My face musta looked hella mad, 'cause he hastily said sorry. It took me a minute to process what had just happened. I could tell he had no ill intent, wasn't all there, but still; my personal bubble had just been penetrated, my space violated.
"That's okay," I mumbled sleepily. Because it is.
Keep laughing, though you probably should stop touching strangers. But right now, it's okay. I believe you meant to keep me alert and awake. I believe you meant me no harm. You did me no harm. I could waste the little energy I have left in me right now being mad at you, but I'm not. We're just 2 people on the train who had a socially inappropriate interaction. Why? Because being radicalized and liberated should inform my outrage at being an open subject that a man feels entitled to touch? I understand that, and less than a year ago I might've been outraged. But there's some inner peace totem in me that has solidified.
Maybe I should tell you about yourself to help you understand that the next person might not be so complacent. But it is my choice to direct the energy of this encounter. I can make this about sexism, about patriarchy, about injustice and oppression and microaggressions, all of which it is most certainly implicated in. Or I can give you my "the FUCK?!" look and then breathe and let you know that actually, sir, it is okay. Because in the scheme of the world, of people being hurt and systems destroying both oppressors and oppressed, you and I are okay. Rather than feeling dehumanized by your touch, I feel awakened. Had I continued sleeping on the train, I would never have noticed any of the beautiful spirits we were sharing the space with. Like it or not, we inhabit this world together, and you helped me be present in this moment.
And a part of me is furious with myself for not being more mad, but I just can't be. It's exhausting to be offended all the time, you see. And with you, sir, I have found my truth and my peace in understanding without judgement. You and I, we are okay.
